DAUS F.X.

back in the academic grind

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 06:02:27 GMT

damn for reals? its been years since i've updated this journal! i've been married 2 years, got an 8month old baby girl, back in grad school..and still working full time.
i started this blog when i was getting my masters back in 02-04..it was an outlet for me..now that im back in school, i need to vent again. school is tough. balancing life with a baby is even harder. balancing life with a baby, being a wife, reading books, writing papers, going to class,going to work and being present in my community...damn..i can't even explain how overwhelmed i feel. the next 3 years is gonna be a good struggle...

my weekend

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 20:51:47 GMT

my weekend started on friday
Jocs and I headed to Rohnert Park, CA
checked in at the hotel
drove to Sonoma State- not one person of color in sight
found my testing site
drove 18 miles to Sonoma for dinner and wine
the Girl and The FIG! good eats and drinks
back to the hotel, stopped by 7-11 first for a corkscrew, lighter, and toothpast
parkin lot pimped under the light pole blowing smoke to the gods
watched TV and fell asleep on my LSAT book hoping the 411 can transfer to my brain.!HA!
early risin' ice on the car
scrapin the windsheild with a credit card
took the test in a barn yard lookin classroom
5 hours later
hungry
tired
happy it was done
that shit was hard!
wanted to eat but found ourselves at the petaluma outlets! SCORE!
Splurged on COACH for the family- xmas shopping is 90% done! can't believe how much i spent though.
found a bar to catch the 4th quarter of the UCLA/USC game. McNears in downtown Petaluma
Drove back to daly city, changed and headed to mercury lounge for dinner with Allyson, family and friends
hit up the Duplex for a few hours
blew more smoke to the gods and knocked the fuck out!
heading to san jo to be with fams and eat crabs caught from half moon bay.
need to be surrounded by blood right now
bro just left for iraq
grandpa is in the hospital in the phils

so nervous

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 20:53:37 GMT

im more than half way done gathering all that i need to apply to schools. shit sucks ass!
1 more letter or rec
2 more transcripts
SOP is just about done
taking LSATS this Saturday
book meetings with deans of law schools (thanks friends!)
and $1000.00 dollars later..i hope i get in! ;)

the light at the end of the tunnel after i turn everything in
dec 16- JAMAICA BABY!

fuck the cold--im gettin a tan !!!

i miss....

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 08:54:51 GMT

i had a wonderful evening
my best friend and her husband came up for their one year anniversary and to visit us. despite the fact that i woke up from a drunken slumber only to throw up everything i consumed the night before, i rested and peeled my body off the bed to meet up with them at the wharf. Nen was craving clam chowder, while i was craving crab. so we met up at Joes crabshack and feasted on food, laughter, stories, everything..we sat there enjoying each others company. and i realized how much i miss them. how much i miss being around my homies. i have friends up here but, these particular homies know EVERYTHING about me, my family and vice versa. its hard to move so far away from those you love and love you back with the same intensity. i was able to express how i feel about my family with them and they shared the same emotions. i was able to keep things unsaid, and they know that somethings are bothering me. i miss this feeling, i miss my homies, i miss my family, i miss "home".

i already miss my bro and my sis-- during the holidays i will have 2 siblings in Iraq.

but i'm never alone-- i have my lifelong partner with me who loves me unconditionally--he knows--he understands

in a day i will be in my comfort zone, spend as much time as i can with those i love and love me back.

i will try my hardest everyday to pray to the ancestors for the safe return of my siblings,for my family, friends, for those in the homeland...

peace

almost there

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 06:19:41 GMT

2 more days...

TIME: fly fly fly away!

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 20:56:17 GMT

Damn i can't believe its already the end of June! So much has happened since the last entry and if i try to write it all out it would take forever..but i do have a photographic memory..i'll remember..

PEP week 1: Bagsak to the past present and future: final show with like 60 students and 25 teachers! it was amazing to see that..PEP has come a long way!

PEP week 2: 5th year anniversary: the FCC was filled with PEP grads, old teachers, possible teachers, community supporters..it was amazing to see how much support and love we had..

PEP week 3:Final days of PEP 05-06 class- i really really miss our students! we had our last PEP meeting with 05-06 PEP teachers, we celebrated Sista Arlene R. on her journey to the bEast Coast..that was one funky ass night! beautiful women at the dinner table having mojitos and breaking the bread we never got! ;) and really had a moment of being honest and real with each other..i realized that the women around me had my back the whole year for reals..and that i never sat down with them at the same time like that..but individually we connected on a work level of course, but also on a human level..all have seen me at my lowest points of my life and highest this year..funny though..2 of them i've only known since last summer..and i have more time to build with them this year..we then headed to poleng lounge to introduce lex and arlene to native elements and the way i roll at the club..that shit was fun! pep folks rolled from past and present, shared way too many drinks and homegurl erica shared her you know what...everyone was dancin..it was FRESH! folks who had their gaurd up all year let it all out that night..and we shared drunkin honesty with each other..lovely!
I'll miss some of my brothas and sistas who are moving on..

PEP week 4: interviews BACK TO BACK for 06-07..met hella new people through that and bonded with the returning PEP folks..i can't wait for the upcoming school year! Friday we had our first PEP orientation and brought some old skool PEP family members to speak on a panel, they met 22 new members of the PEP family! we now have an official 1 month break before Tibak Training and retreat!* one of Rods youth from Riverside-- will be starting the MA program in Asian Am-will be a PEP teacher in the Fall and will be living down the street with homegurl from the valley!* its been inspiring this past month for sure!

on top of that: Work with FADF, FCC, AYPS-- and of course WEDDING PLANNING! shits been crazy..rod will officially transition into FCC as a Full Time employee piloting the AYPS program in the Excelsior and SoMa in August, I will transition as PEP's associate director and work part time at FCC starting July 1--funny how we always end up at the same place together..and in 2 months OUR WEDDING!

Shake it Off!

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 02:59:05 GMT

I can't seem to shake off these feelings i've been having in the pit of my stomach
I can't shake off the fact that my sis is deploying soon
I can't shake off the reality of being married to someone forever
I can't shake off the betrayal of some folks who i gave my all to and trusted
I can't shake off the shit talking i hear from folks who don't even know me. who place me as a target..who dehumanize me.
I can't shake it off and it's starting to piss me off...

hyphee

Wed, 24 May 2006 23:45:24 GMT

i had a 5th grader ask me if i wanted to buy hyphee juice fo a dolla while he slangs it to homie on the side!..hustlin'!
i watched elementary school students rap the words of e-feeeezy as they drink their hyphee juice.
I asked, who sponsors that drink and his response was "e-feeezy my neeezy" by a 2nd grader.
but they never ever forget their please and thank yous

the movie...

Sat, 20 May 2006 19:13:29 GMT

was invited to watch the da vinci code with "Dr.'s" and friends ;)..HI DAWN! ;) I think we could've brought beer and ice cream..there was HELLA people!
the line wrapped around everywhere at century theater and when everyone was let in, i ran of course to get the best seats..there were so many people, some sat on the floor the whole time!

The movie was good, but of course the book was better. there is only so much ron howard coulda done in 2.5 hours. i myself love detail, and i think if you didn't read the book you could get a little lost with the movie dialogue..rod had this wierd look on his face the whole time like " HUH? WHAT?..fuck i don't know the bible!" he would ask questions i would know the answer to but i was like.."i dunno" so he can be quiet..ahahhaha..i told him to read the book!

some parts were out of order, but overall i liked it. i can see why city's around the world want to ban this movie because it challenges a hegemonic power...anyway..you should see it!

we didn't get home till 1:30 am and rod had to get up at 6am for work..still waiting for him to get home so we can head over to Milpitas..my Manong has been back from the phils for like 2 weeks and i haven't seen them yet..they brought over my wedding dress, moms dress and all the material for the brides women's dresses..and i have to get them before i fly home on friday. and today is the only day i can go..i'll be missing fil grad, but i will be celebrating soon enough with my kasamas in the next couple of weeks. drinks and brownies on me ;)

gotta get ready..

SUMMER TIME IN THE LBC!

Tue, 16 May 2006 06:46:35 GMT

This is the jam right now....

Let me hear you say oohhhhh ahhhhh
Summertime in The LBC
Oohhhhh ahhhhh
Summertime in The LBC
Now me and my girls are deep
In a '94 Wrangler jeep
Flow so long thru Long Beach
Daisy Dukes gets props
Hair and nails fresh from the shop
And we're at the bombest spot
Called the shackkk
Damn, it's hot than a mutha
I'm smuthareen ribs wit barbacue sauce
Fools get tossed if they reach across my barbacue grill
So continue tah chill
At King's park in the LBC
That's where ya'll find me
Hangin wit my homies and my friends
We got the coke in hand
We got Da Five Footaz and the Twinz
We got Warren G and the D-O-G
All come around
Tah hear the Dove Shack G Funk sound

The weather that we've been havin has got me straight reminiscing. I've been indoors most of the time working and planning events and working some more. But lately, i've ran into some folks who straight know the ins and outs of me. and it's got me thinkin' about this summer and how it will be a reunion of all sorts. and as i see these folks, i am humbled by what they have taught me along the way.

This past weekend was my good friends big 3-0! a KDPhi family reunion *kinda* and we celebrated and i had the chance to catch up and remember the 10 years that we've known each other. we all laughed hard, danced the night away while trying to make the bar tab, and i went home with a smile on my face looking forward to the next 10 years and the next and the next..with these wonderful women.

on the phone i was able to catch up with my mom, my sister, my cousins, my best friends..my good friend Kat is also getting married in a few months and we will celebrate soon enough..my sister will be coming home for 2 weeks in July and it has been decided that they will throw my bridal shower when she returns. I also heard my older brother will be joining us at the same time..this makes a Daus sibling reunion part 2! My sister will be deploying sometime in August or September and I want to spend as much sister time i can with her this summer which calls for- pitchers of beer at Mai Tais, bodyboarding in the southern california beaches, eating in n out, ice cream, BBQ's, poolside hangouts, tsis mis over breakfast,lunch, dinner and in between, clubbin in hollywood and whatever she craves..I am still hopeful that my sister will be able to stand next to me at my wedding...

So with all the stress and work that I consume myself with, I still make time to dream, and remember and hopefully catch a sunset on ocean beach before the fog rolls in....

been almost a month

Fri, 12 May 2006 07:44:58 GMT

i haven't blogged...
but its been a good month.gettin my feet wet in new waters these days..and i'm learning a whole lot from folks in the SOMA,FLY PINAYS,PEP students and teachers,Rod, fams. another humbling process from everything that has happened my 27th year.

i've been counting the days though till the next time i go back to the LBC..which is soon..i need to reconnect once again..sometimes i need that..to detoxify my soul from poison i give myself or from others who put it upon me.
positive and negative
yin and the yang
renders me speechless that i can't really write thoughts down you know? but i've been up and about..trying to stay positive and keeping a smile at the same time. i know folks around me are stressin out, swingin moods, but trying to rock steady..right now im the cheerleader, because i know they're mine too and its all good.

today had me rollin..i was laughing so hard tonite, i almost lost my voice. dropped off 2 of our PEP students after the show. i had a blast kickin it with them this evening...

lovely

finally back

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 02:16:57 GMT

ok WHY it took 9.5 hours to get to ReeferSyde? the rain was horrible and the traffic sucked ass..
i'm here at the Magbuals and we hella ate..he has cousins from Canada and Vegas here and we just kickin it watching jeopordy..
we'll be heading down to long beach bright and early for a fun filled day of wedding appointments and yummy cake!
i feel relaxed here
but it would be perfect if the sun was out and i can play outside

walking

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 20:35:20 GMT

walked through japan town today
it was lovely
hand in hand with my soulife partner
cherry blossoms in full bloom
heat on my head
finally..the sun is out
on the occupational tip
things are looking bright
and i'm moving into a new direction
wonderful opportunities
but most of all
having time for me and creating my own boundries.
going to a dinner with lovely revolutionary ladies
driving my new and improved car back home
family time at Balay de Mama
livin' it up with my homegirls
in long beach Cohibas!

going back to so-cali- time to reset

damn

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 00:30:39 GMT

RAIN SUCKS..

My new years kick off..

Sun, 09 Apr 2006 19:08:20 GMT

Thursday-Started my new year by sharing a pazookie with an aries man and some

Friday-Had dinner with my man at Celias

Saturday-Had an imposed b-day party at Zebulons with some crazyfundrunkhigh80's90'songfeetmovinfunkanomicdancers. A night i kinda remembered ;)

Monday-Recruited by some fly pinay's to do movement work with the pin@y yuf in SF.

Thursday-Had another b-day surprise at our PEP meeting

Friday-Met up with one of the fly pinays, had lunch at Celias (again), dropped food off to Rod, had a 20 minute pilates session and now HOOKED!, picked up my little friend, and had mentee day with 15 wonderful PEPers at buena suerte, and a kick it at FCC. ;)

Yesterday- pilates for 20 min.,cleaned like it was nobody bid'ness, broiled some salmon with lemon and dill, sauteed mexican broccoli and cooked some rice. academics sure get hungry after a night and mornings worth of class. Finally an evening alone to enjoy each others company. he took me on a date to Joe's crabshack by the pier,and we ate with our hands and fed each other dungenous crab.YUM. and had a big bowl of Mai Tai's hahaha..

Today- Woke up early, went to my ancestral alter and prayed to my grandmother and my ancestors. It's Apung Virgies 7 month death anniversary. after today my grandpa can stop wearing black. I lit 3 candles, 2 incense sticks and cleansed with sage. i offered MaMa to the spirits. I can feel them watching over me.

I called Kings Hawaiian to set up an appointment for our cake tasting this Saturday. Finally organized all my wedding stuff in a binder and i think i'm going to buy me a car alarm and a new stereo today.

life for me in this new year..is coming together..

RISKS...

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 00:50:58 GMT

i think i'll be taking them this year..
being open to them

saturn is returning..

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 02:39:54 GMT

i'm still trying to understand that..everytime i dialogue with folks about my current situation(s), they ask me are you 28?? cause thats when saturn returns..i heard that about 8 times by 8 different people..still trying to find out what it means for me..

so in my 28th year of life..hmm..hella changes
new opportunities

1- trying to find a new FT job. in the past week 3 interviews and 2 more to go. back to back.my mind is everywhere trying to research these organizations, preparing for my interviews, gathing materials i've created doing this work, and just being calm..i'm trying to do 12 things at one time..trying to pace myself. but also trying to put things in perspective. that i'll come out strong after the storm....i just sent out my resume, and i'm getting a good response..at first i took the lay off like..fuck man..for real..don't you know how hard it is to find a job..you just gonna put me out on the street like that..but things are looking up and i'm being intentional to where i apply.. i want something that i can be at for more than the average cbo employee of 1-2 years but for more than that. i had a really good interview today with some cool folks in oakland and the interview was 1.5 hours..we we're in a circle just talking about why we do what we do..it was fresh! i did have a few interviews with folks who asked me if i would give up PEP to work for them. I said Hell Nah. well not in those words.

2- getting married--the process has been painfully good. my uncle brought back the barongs we got made in Paniqui and they look soo good..rod tried on his barong and i teared..it's close..and i can't wait to celebrate with our family and friends.

3- new and re newing connections- today was at the Puro Arte Conference and i saw folks there that have been a part of my lifes work in one way or the other..and to catch up and rebuild with folks or build new connections with.

4- open to anything else!

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 20:08:33 GMT

last night was the first day of celebrating my new year.
tonite is my new years eve
tomorrow is a new begginning

ain't nothin in life but to be legit...

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 08:02:22 GMT

in the water
looking to catch a break
ridin' rough
these days
paddlin' deep
kickin' fast
hoping not to drop in
hard
but catch the tip
top
curve in smooth
to the calm fizzing
of waves behind me

body landing
soft sponge
standing tall
looking out to go for more

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 08:16:23 GMT

uncle keeps knockin
on my sisters door
asking her to go for more.
diggin in the sand
knelt, crouched, eyes shut tight
finger on the trigger
praying for home..
training on sovereign earth
to do the unthinkable..

asking mom to meet her half way
for a burger and meal had last
tasty treats from seafood palace
and a home cooked baon.
Home is praying for her
her soul needs rebuilding
her heart needs less bullet proof

worlds apart in mind
cosmically breaking us both down
but my world is in default
when it comes to my sister
my other part of my soul
what she feels
it penetrates
within the walls of my familia.
the knocks are louder now
and my sister opens the door.
uncle is standing there
with her freedom in his hands.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 07:26:01 GMT

whoever is testing me..can you please stop???
my soul can't take anymore
im breaking
falling
and running around with my head chopped off
i feel helpless, hopeless..
i can't take anymore bad news..
im raw right now
and my cheeks will show you
my eyes will glare at you
my emotions inside are starting to show
outside
my car reflects me
broken and robbed.

process

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 23:55:18 GMT

for the past 2 and a half weeks i have seen many people lose their lives, struggle to live, and mourn for love ones lost. it's been a long hard reflection process for me right now i can't even articulate it without so much emotion. everything else in my life seems petty and irrelevant.
i can't even talk about my trip back home. besides the wedding process rod and i went through over there. i dont know..my trip back to philippines was to short and in a sense soo heavy that i needed to leave.
the first day there, i was sick with the flu and maybe even bronchitis..things didnt feel right and my heart felt very very heavy
when we reached Mabilang Paniqui Tarlac, there was a brown out..later to find out that there was a massacare in the town close by in Sta Ignacia. it was between the PNP and the NPA. but as much as i try to find out the politics about it with relatives..they had no idea. that was a struggle in itself..what's going on?
on our trip to Ilocos Norte we arrived to find out that 70+ people died mostly women and children in a stampede in Ultra just to see the one year anniversary WowWowWee show..in hopes to win some money..showing the economic conditions of the philippines
on arrival back to tarlac, we find out a 17 year old boy was found in the water next to our barrio..the only thing holding his head together was his nerves..
the next day, an accident with a motorcycle and a tricycle killing all passangers close to the place above.
in manila, a family eating their breakfast on a sidewalk close to commercial buildings
last night, many people died in the mudslide in leyte. that was the first thing i saw when i came home from our PEP meeting last night.
i still have that heavy heavy feeling in my chest..there is so much to process right now i don't know where to begin.
what also hurt me while i was there..was adnitting that someone you love will never physically be there..but spiritually they are..i still smell, dream, and remember..i hold your clothes in my hands to feel texture, wear your jewelry to remember when it was last worn, wear your dusters to make my sickness go away. watching a daughter process the loss of her mother and a husband the loss of his love.

to be continued..

BETCH SESSION..

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 05:26:11 GMT

FUCK THE BULLSHIT---it's been a long ass 3 weeks and i need some sleep. I just got home from a long 3 day WORK retreat..it was cool being around strong women, working to improve what we do for our young women, but today was just LONG..it was like the 4 mile stretch of the 26.2 marathon..the AGONY! i seriously had no more patience..I wanted to just get up and say..SHUT THE FUCK UP!WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO COMPARE YOUR POWER AND PRIVILEDGE TO ME??? ARGHHHHHH!!!!!! white feminist get on my damn nerves..they fucking don't get their priviledge..i swear my face almost exploded with heat..i didn't have anymore fight in me to say shit..i was just tired already..mentally, physically and emotionally..i wanted to go home..take a nap..pack..get prepared to go back to the philippines.

everything has been non stop for me..and with all the stress and people criticizing shit..makes me sooo fucking frustrated and bitter..like its one thing to fuckin complain about shit..fucking show that you care about changing it..shits been ridiculous..take some gaddam initiative.talk about it..let me fucking know in my face what you don't like and lets work together to address this shit...i hope i can clear my head before i get back here..im pissed..for reals.
and why am i fuckin blasting my business on the streets?? cause i can and i dont fucking care..and i've been away from a computer for 3 days..;/

aries is on fire full blast. one day to decompress everything that went on the past 3 weeks..cause when i hop on that plane tomorrow night..its all about being home with my grandpa.my family..being in touch with my ancestors..grounding myself, reflect, and then come back calm and collected..

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 07:33:06 GMT

back from a night at Zebulons..to support the business, manong herb spinnin' the night away and just kickin it hard with community folks! i didnt want to go out today cause i want to go out tomorrow..(need to save the dough) but rod and i got there right after work..mind you today was a long day..pep in the morning,then work all day till 7pm..we were there before our folks, so we hid away in the corner, ordered a few appetizers and drinks and just chopped it up... we need these times..esp since we're such busy people..everytime i look at him though..i still can't believe how long i've known this fool..its a good and bad thing..but its the best thing..and he's my best friend..i can't wait to marry him..not that its gonna change us..but our wedding..esp us planning it..i dunno..feels like we fell in love all over again..just like the very first time..its weird..the butterflys..hahahhaha

anyway..im so overwhelmed right now with ending the pep semester, starting a new one, trainings at the retreat, closing and starting another community leadership program for the spring, hiring 12 new young women, starting a PEP youth organizing program with FCC, writing grants,launching our GS's first domestic violence component in march, on top of that..wedding planning, and going to the phils(NEXT WEEK!)..im tired..
and i need to write more..
editing our PEP students poetry cd got me mad inspired! and i really need to get back into writing short stories and poetry..and running..
arghh soo much to do, so little time..but tryin..and rockin' steady one piece at a time!

dood

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 04:31:44 GMT

i love it when you holler and the cavalry comes out to play!!! i LOVE LA!